pre-departure 2

My mood is  swinging like a yoyo. One minute I am ok and the next seized by nervousness and stunned into inaction.  Put simply, I am a mess inside. One minute I am ok, the next I am all emotional inside.

The past, the present and the future are colliding and it is all happening inside my head.  Is it strange that all of a sudden I am bumping into people from my past; people whom I have not seen for years? Interestingly, most of them happen to be people from the choir I used to conduct. And despite being nearly 10 years ago, they still hold those memories so dearly in their hearts. While I seem to  have forgotten the potency of those years, they certainly have not. All of them confessed that those years of singing, of touring, of performing were some of the best times in their lives. And besides wishing me a safe journey and a great future, they thank me for enriching their lives.I admit to being stunned as I catch glimpses of the ripples I have created throughout the years of living in Melbourne.

So whether I like it or not, my past is catching up with me; confronting me and reminding me of what I have forged and what I am leaving behind. Instead of experiencing it as a loss (well of course there is a bit of that), I feel encouraged that I have at least done some good and have left a positive mark, at least with some.

To deal with my emotional state, I try to hold on to some familiarity.  Unwittingly I end up hanging on to my  routine. I still get up as early as before, go to my office as before, eat lunch as before, and so on, eventhough I have finished with my PhD. I really have no need to return to the office but still, I do. This is perhaps my way of claiming some normalcy.

It is not that I am reluctant to leave. As much as I love Australia, I know it is time to eke out new adventures. I told a friend yesterday that starting anew in Denmark-where I know so few people, and the ones I know are new friends- avails  me the opportunity to reinvent myself or even to rewrite the past. That might be alluring to me as a 15-year old when I first arrived in Australia but not this time. With this 2nd big move in my life (the first from Malaysia to Australia), I need to remind myself of my focus and purpose. This time, it will be to build upon what I have established.

moving

This weekend is all about clearing, sorting, filtering, discarding; and then sorting and setting up.
This weekend we are moving whatever we can physically manage and that is nearly everything except for the fridge and washing machine.

The place I am vacating (the old place) is in a mess and I guess so is the new place during this time of transition. I must say that my friends must think that I have gone mad, with me giving away so much of my stuff, or throwing them out. They just can’t understand it. “How are you going to live?”, “What if you need it in the future?” Well, there are people living with less (financially and materially) and if I do need it in the future, then I better make sure that I really do need it before purchasing it.

While it can be painful and difficult, reducing material possession can be really worth the pain that one goes through and also the times stressful deliberations.

The one thing that kept playing over and over again in my mind yesterday is that I wish I am financially secured and well-off RICH enough to pay someone to do all the moving for me. Oh I don’t mind the packing but the carrying, heaving, lifting from one place to another is a terrifyingly back-breaking business. That is one promise I made to myself; in that the next move I want to be in a position where I will not have to do so much on my own.

As much as it will be easy and comfortable for me to remain in Melbourne for more years to come, I really do feel that it is time to leave even if it is only temporarily. But I too am conflicted. When will I settle down and not really have to continuously move? I think I do yearn for some kind of stability – at least geographical where I can set roots and have a home that I can truly call mine.