That is the title of a book written by John Powell that had a big impact on me many years ago. As a young man riddled with self-esteem issues, confidence, personal confidence, etc, and struggling to form relationships and bonds in a foreign land, I stumbled upon this book at a bookshop and immediately took to it. It made a lot of sense then and as with any good books I discover, I give them away. Since that first book, I have bought two copies over the years – both given away as gifts to others struggling to understand themselves and why they fear rejection and indifference from others. It is a book that talks to people who are struggling to find their own ‘personal fit’ to life.
The only slight turn-off for me was that there are aspects of the book that came across a bit strongly on the side of religion. It was inevitable because the author was a Catholic priest but he was also a trained psychoanalyst (from what I remembered).
But section was very revelatory when he precise from Harry Stack Sullivan (an eminent psychiatrist of interpersonal relationship) who theorised that all personal growth, damage and regression come through our relationship with others. “What I am, at any given moment in the process of becoming a person, will be determined by my relationships with those who love me or refuse to love me, with those whom I love or refuse to love.”
These are strong words; chilling even, that reminds me of how much we are a product of the people around us. Once we experience this acceptance or rejection be it from our family in our early childhood and later friends, we are set along this path of negotiating how we fit with others. We are all a product of this cycles of love, acceptance and rejection.
One can view in a fatalistic way and just surrender to perpetually try and forge relationships and if we are lucky to be loved, move away from the dark but if rejected pushes us further from forming positive views of ourselves.
But I remember from the book that we shouldn’t need to blame every failed relationships on our biography. But understanding it, accepting it and learning to deal and move on will help us overcome this vicious cycle and move out of the continuing spiral of self-destruction and unhappiness.
I think I need to re-read this book, again. Amazon, here I come.
