I can honestly report that I am actually Happy. Yup with a capital ‘H’ happy. That’s because I received advanced copies of the magazine (Interactions) in which my article has been published.
Yeah I knew for a few months that it has been accepted for publication but it really doesn’t hit you until you get that glossy print in your hand with that waft of fresh ink. You scan excitedly on the contents page to look for the article, worried that they might have decided not to run with it at the last minute and forgotten to inform you, and then, voila you find it. Its on page 16! Oh how auspicious, that my birthdate (oh how I love to reach for meaning).
After thumbing through the pages quickly I finally locate the article. It appears better on magazine print, with colour and of course I don’t read it, I am just admiring its font, layout, illustration etc. I have read it enough when writing it. Oh well, maybe later.
I gave a copy each to my supervisors (from the 9 advance copies I received) and you should see their faces; beaming away with ecstatic smiles and congratulatory handshakes.
After the excitement died down, the impostor crept back into the limelight; in disbelief at this latest miracle. Ah well, at least I was Happy for a short while.
Categories: PhD
Tagged: impostor syndrome, interactions magazine, publication
The impostor.
I have always spoken privately to some peers of mine about feeling like a fake; that one day people are going to find out that my achievements are not what they stack up to be. That one day I will be exposed as a charlatan.
But I never knew that it is actually a real syndrome: the Impostor Syndrome, until I read this article published in the Melbourne University Postgraduate magazine. As I read the description, I felt as if a pin has just suddenly dropped and that my secret fears have all been validated.
Should I really be here at the University of Melbourne, an apparently prestigious institution?
Have I really achieved what everyone think I have?
Is it all simply luck?
Is my research as good and interesting as what others tell me?
Did I really tell such a convincing story about my work?
Are people just being kind or being nice by laying these accolades?
These are just some of the many questions that dog me right through my life and in the past 3 years, my PhD life.
I live in fear most of the time of being exposed but the fears really surface when I attend large gatherings where folks in my research community gather. It is terrifying when I know that I have to stand up and present, (sell), explain and justify my research to experienced and accomplished researchers; to people I admire (and quote in my writings). The most recent was the CHI 2008 conference in Florence, Italy – the pinnacle of conferences in my discipline. For gathered in that conference are the brightest and most influential thinkers of my discipline. Will someone from the audience suddenly stand up in the middle of my presentation and yell out, “what’s all this rubbish?”
No wonder hours before my talk I was feeling so crummy in my stomach. I couldn’t focus and think clearly. My mouth was dry, my extremities were cold, and my heart pounding. In fact as the time of my presentation drew nearer, I began to feel nauseous. Although I didn’t have anything to eat that morning (unsurprisingly, I didn’t have the appetite), I really felt like throwing up.
Well finally I have a name to call it and even perhaps some means to deal with it, but I suspect that it might not be that simple to make it go away.
Categories: PhD
Tagged: CHI 2008, impostor syndrome
