trying something new

after hitting a brickwall in my last post, i decided to start trying something else. as a friend of mine once said, “if you have to run into a brickwall, at least try and find a softer one”. so i am not going to go into uni everyday or even if i do, not work from my office. instead, i will try working somewhere else, maybe a public cafe or hopping from one library to the another in the city. i don’t quite fancy having to move around too much and use that as another distraction but just that i need to move on the moment things get stale. i cannot really slow down and delay my progress.

I also realised that I have been using the ‘big stick’ approach for too long now and instead of whipping myself constantly and chastisting myself for not moving along, I need to also find time to top-up. one way is to find little joys in life such as appreciating a sunny day and working where i can at least see the day. or something simple like these tulips that my flatmate brought home. it has been so long (years and years) since I had any cut flowers at home. they are so expensive but seeing them made me realise how much I miss having something nice in my surroundings.

while cut flowers cost money, treating myself to a nice long walk by the sea or even stealing some lone time in front of a piano is not.  i need some Tuck Time and some self nourishment. I need to refill and top up.

feeling crappy

I had not been spending much time with my PhD writing for the past few days because I had been attending and presenting at a symposium at the university. of course I had every intention of doing my writing in the evening but for two days in a row, my day was unexpectedly truncated by the advent of a migraine. i felt fine in the morning but the headache just crept in and developed over the day and by about 4pm I was ready to surrender into a dark room and dosed up with strong painkillers.

Today is the first day I feel completely fine (fingers’ crossed). so I thought I should be getting back into my writing routine but no matter how hard I have tried, I just couldn’t seem to be able to focus all day. so I thought I might move out of my oppressive view-less office and plonk my laptop on a sitting area just outside my office. so here I am sitting here by the couch with my jug of warm chrysanthemum tea and with the view of city to my right.

but still i feel like crap. i feel like i have so much to do and that i am starting to drown. when this happened in the past, I instinctively fought against it, struggling to keep my head above water but today, I find myself not really caring as much, it is as if I am slowly giving up the struggle and considering just letting go and and submerging into the murky waters.

i had it coming

OK. I am supposed to be working on a presentation for a symposium on Monday (in 2 days’ time) but I am quite distracted. I thought maybe I should just download some thoughts (and emotions) here, let ‘em out so that I can get back to some sane and dry thinking.

Lots been careering to a single point that began a few days ago leaving me in an emotional state. I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired:  exhausted from pushing and exerting myself, from earning my own keeps; trying to be upbeat while being on the ball to work at a constant pace, with one eye on the calendar and the other on the blurring pixels drowning senselessly in a sea of shifting sand. I am weary of trying to be strong and constantly attempting to maintain a strong sense self-esteem. I leave little notes, inconspicuously scattered in my drawers, and on my desk with exhortations that slowly beat me to a submission to comply: echoes of responsibilities not only to myself to be a good man, to be a worthy man, but also to take responsibility for my own future and if i should fail, my possible demise and unhappiness. These notes are nagging reminders to remain focused on the goal, with eyes on the elusive and imagined prize.

And as if I, myself is not demanding enough, I have to attend to others (at work and home). Times are trying for all but they have not made it any easier for me. Yet, I am expected to remain calm and focused, to appear and act with care and sensitivity. I am stuck in the middle of it all, juggling their demands and responding to their needs with an apparent sense of personal and professional propriety.

So I have no choice but to bottle it up, and to keep them to myself. If I appear figdgety, that is because the pressure is buidling and if you look closely, you may even see a tear or two seeping and leaking as I do my best to contain it. For while I do my darndest for myself while choosing to give and care, who in turn cares for me?

telling time with hot air balloons

It is quite amazing how one can be so ensconced in one’s world when getting lost in the final stages of the PhD. I find that I have lost track of time: of days and months. The weather is of no use for one day is as cold as the next. The sun rises and sets. But I am suddenly reminded of the passing of time when I looked up this morning and saw a hot air balloon sailing past my apartment.

Ah, it is that time of the year already; of August and September, of a year turning into its final corner towards the last stretch of its annual journey. It mirrors my own journey towards the unending stretch of this writing and anticipation for closure. It signals a yearning for a shift from this time of limbo.

How fleeting and fast, and how urgent it suddenly makes me feel.

a saturday diversion: dark knight

As I promised myself, I took some time off today on Saturday and caught up with a friend. I decided to treat myself to a movie and went to see Dark Knight. I went there with some skeptical anticipation given the press’ reports about Heath Ledger’s amazing performance, citing that he might even win an Oscar for his performance posthumously. Despite this I must say that I wasn’t disappointed.

Instead of a flat mono-dimensional cartoon figure of a jokester hell bent on large scale mischief and destruction, the character portrayed was very much a product of society; the side of society that most people turn a blind eye to and bury their heads from. The Joker’s assessment of people in general and how they would behave when threatened revealed just how thin and often fuzzy the lines of morality, ethics and principles that society claims to holds dear. As an audience, I found myself swayed in empathy and even kinda understood his madness and in turn his way of “no rules or code”.

At the end of the movie, it wasn’t so much about Batman versus the Joker; good prevailing against evil; black versus white. It was about our internal struggles in negotiating the many shades of gray especially when something in the system breaks down; when our very immediate world is threatened. I think Heath Ledger’s acting made the character not only unpredictable (because this character just doesn’t conform to any rules or norms) and menacing but it exposes some of the darker sides that everyone possesses within. I left the movie quite unsettled and rattled by the reminder of the darker sides of human nature.

There were some surprises though. I was used to the dark and dank art deco-ish architecture sprawl of Gotham CIty but instead found a modern current day American city. Where the previous Batman movies dealt with local gangsters and mob, this one had an international flair involving Hong Kong/China. In fact there was a scenewith a hint of (Tom Cruise’s) Mission Impossible feel to it when Batman was perched on top of a glass skyscraper contemplating his route to another high tower. Even his eventual exit strategy was very Mission Impossible.

The supporting casts were various voices of reasons, that offered perspectives into the human psyche. Probably the least developed character was that of the D.A. Harvey Dent.

Well, this is just my own reading of the film, and I must say, a perspective probably very much colored by my readings of some sociological texts. Anyway, its time for another mental struggle.

writing panic and coffee beans

I have been somewhat disorganised recently. I think subconsciously I knew it and it prompted a desperate re-evaluation. I woke a few mornings ago with one of the worst panics I’ve experienced in my life. My heart was pounding and adrenaline coursed through my entire being sparking immediate reaction. This panic was triggered by a sudden realisation that I have not progressed as much and as efficiently through my writing as I had originally planned. While the hard-deadline I gave myself is not that far away, having so many chapters dropped within these 2-3 months period did not provide enough signposts that can help mark my gradual lead up towards the finishing line.  While the end goal post was clearly marked, there was simply not enough checking mechanisms along the way to ensure that I know and feel that I am progressing satisfactorily and in the right trajectory.

I threw myself into my writing and managed to get some done and after the adrenaline subsided somewhat (the next day), I discussed the matter with my supervisors. I  told them that I needed a more concrete ‘itinerary’. As a result, I will be producing a more detailed timeline with dates assigned to each chapter, to mark my own progress more tangibly. So instead of working towards completing the entire thesis, I can focus on a few weeks at a time and just concentrate on a particular chapter. A lesson learnt albeit a bit late I am afraid. However, I guess this may not suit everyone but it is certainly one possible tip to keep in mind.

On the other hand, on one of my breaks, I managed to stumble upon an unassuming gem of a cafe in Melbourne called Baba Budan. Peering in from the outside, I could only see an interesting false ceiling created by an eclectic collection of chairs hanging above the space. Only when I got inside and sat down for a coffee that I realised that it is also a coffee connoisseurs’ haven.  They have a good variety of coffee beans and on that day, they were serving Colombian arabica. In this tiny space with one large communal table only, they also had space dedicated to cupping. This is not the stuff practiced by Chinese medicine practitioners but rather coffee tasting. I overheard that it is something done everyday Saturday where people not only got to taste different coffees but learned about coffee as well. What a wonderful concept.

people waiting for cupping session @ Baba Budan

I did think that the cafe name was somewhat esoteric and it was not until Google came to my resuce, that I found out that apparently Baba Budan was a 17th century Sufi accredited to be the one who smuggled 7 coffee beans out of Ethiopia and introduced it to India and in a way helped spread this addictive bean to the rest of the world. Cheers Baba Budan and thank you for my 3/4 full cup of latte.

a tip for phd students

As I journey towards the end of my candidature and getting lost in my thesis writing, I realised that so much about the PhD process is only discovered at this last phase. Perhaps realisations need time to percolate through and sink in and while these epiphanies are helpful, I do wish that I was able to discover them a lot earlier in my candidature. In one of my chats with the Dean of Science, she told me that it was most likely that we were not ready to learn a lot of it anytime sooner. I proffered that maybe we do learn it but somehow they don’t really make any sense until now – much like water boiling. Energy and effort goes into boiling water but for a long time, one sees nothing, no signs that things are moving along (unless one sticks a finger in of course) but certainly not by simply watching. And suddenly the water boils.

Nevertheless I hope to Ishare one tip which I think would help for any PhD students especially to prepare them when it is time to write, whether for journals, conference or the big thesis write-up.

It is easy to search, download, and print relevant journal articles during your search for insights, ideas and understanding of your research topic but reading them and comprehending them and even writing about them is not enough. You need to somehow mark them, tag the relevant paragraphs, sentences so that they can be easily retrieved when you write. Or esle you end up trying to re-read the articles trying to search for that needle in the haystack.

For electronic articles, highlighting using adobe acrobat professional may help but copying and pasting the relevant sections onto a word document that serves to collate information from various sources that are may be more efficient in the long run.  The same goes for books but if you own those books, thin strips of post-it notes with keywords stuck on different pages are helpful for quick and easy retrievals.

Headcold

Some updates are in order. Nothing earth shattering but the thesis is slowly moving along. I can’t seem to get past the central chapters I have been working on. I kept going back to restructure it. I think it is fine because while I have the macro structure, the fine path the writing takes shapes itself as I write, connecting one idea to the next, bridging one concept to another. Soon I would realise that I need to move up a level and reshape the higher order of things etc. I bemoan my lack slow progress but I am finding bits of inspiration along the way.

Meanwhile it had been a cold day in Melbourne. It just reached a top of 10 degrees today and it snowed quite heavily in the hills and part of the countryside of Victoria. Of course this is nothing compared to my time in the UK and Europe but somehow I didn’t feel it as much there. Either its because I was always prepared for the cold or I expected it to be cold anyway. But as a result I have scored myself a cold. Don’t think its the flu because I am not suffering other symptoms such as muscular aches, headaches etc. But my nose is quite congested, and it seems like there are perpetually a few slugs hanging at the top of my throat.

James recommended that I get some Friar’s Balsam. I am supposed to add a small capful to boiling water in a pot or bowl and inhaling the steam containing this rather rank smelling tincture. Its supposed to help clear the sinus and banish the slugs. I have yet to try it and I will do it before I go to sleep I guess.

Meanwhile I decided to pamper myself over the weekend. I splurge on some new tea. This one is called Jade Ring Jasmine and it is very nice. This little rings of tea unfurling in the hot water – very pretty. It cost me $25 for 50g. Not a bargain. I also got a small bottle of Ylang Ylang essential oil for the oil burner in my room. It smells terrific and it makes me feel cosy and good. In fact I am in my room now, sitting on my bed and writing this entry. My back propped up by some big pillows and my laptop supported by my bolster. I will need to get going and get back to shaping this thesis and hopefully get to move on to the following chapter.

annotating memories

I have returned from UK/Europe for over 2.5 months now and apart from the initial activity of photo sorting to upload them onto Flickr, I have not really gone back to look at that large collection of pics I took. But I eventually did, last night, because I had to find some pictures to send to my dad.

You see, dad is in Malaysia and doesn’t own a computer. He had been nagging at me for months for some pictures of my time away and that means that I have to go and print them out and send them via snail-mail.

Going through my photo collection was an emotional task. Much was evoked of the time and place as well as the associated events around the time the picture was taken. I could almost taste the happiness, the fun, and also the angst, frustration and tears as I browsed through them. This forced reminisce made me realize how crazy that 3.5months was. It was rarely a time of peaceful being but a highly condensed period of extreme peaks and troughs. By the end of the reminisce I felt a bit flat and exhausted as if I had travelled back in time and re-lived those snap-frozen moments all at once.

Anyway I ended up with 37 pictures which I then took to print.  Before posting them, I went to my (latest) favourite cafe in the city: Sette Bello, ordered a strong latte to accompany a slice of chocolate cake and settled down to annotate each photograph.

When I finally finish the annotation, I suddenly realised just how many places I had been to and how concentrated my emotions were during those times. Looking at it from my current boring life, it all seems so surreal and artificially induced. All those emotions, all those pressure wrapped up in 3.5 months.

the singularity of writing

Recently I have begun to feel bad for constantly writing about my PhD journey on this blog. It would be ok if there are interesting stories associated with it but for most of the time, nothing much that happens, except (hopefully) for the gradual titration of writing. The process is extremely internal and singular, akin to a marathon whereby the competitor is yourself. It is an arduos and self-absorbed journey that takes its toll quietly and surreptitiously as each day drips by. I can’t really talk about it with anyone because no one else quite understands it. I am the expert of the work and it is up to me to lay it out, filling the pages.

I guess it is not all that bad. While the writing can be slow some days, I am actually making some interesting realisations along the way; thinking that has eluded me so far but somehow, with a different mindset and perhaps some intellectual maturity/confidence, I am able to be more incisive about what it is that I am doing, its contributions, the flaws (or what I might do differently if I were to do this again) and what are some ways forwards with this work.

Meanwhile I distract myself by spending some time looking for work and talking to a few people who are much more connected with potential ‘employers’. Here is pure escapism as I dream of working in a land far far away from Australia.